How to Go from "Don't Want" to "Yes Please"
When faced with a problem, most people focus on what they don’t want. What they want to prevent, avoid, or minimize.
"I don't want this project to turn into a steaming pile of sh—failure."
"I don't want those folks from QA to be so disengaged in our scrums."
"I want this conflict between Mamoon and Yulia to get resolved before they poison our team with their animosity."
This focus on the negative makes sense from a neurological perspective. Your mind codes problems as "threats," and you have a powerful, always-on program designed to notice threats and get as far away from them as possible.
This is a good thing.
You are alive and reading this today because thousands of your ancestors deployed this program to avoid getting eaten or stabbed or trampled or incinerated. So yay for the "flight" feature of fight-or-flight.
The problem is (ha, irony!), this negative framing keeps people stuck in "threat mode", instead of the infinitely more creative and generative "opportunity mode."
Think about it: when your nervous system interprets a situation as a threat, it hijacks all the parts of your brain that are interested in exploring opportunities. When the zebra smells a lion, all thoughts of tasty grasses and sexy zebra mates are driven from its mind in favor of "get the hell out of here pronto."
But none of the examples I shared can be solved by running away; by avoidance.
In fact, I'd wager that 99% of the problems you face in work and in life cannot be solved by running faster and farther.
Instead, they can best be addressed through curiosity, compassion, and creativity — precisely those qualities that we can access in "opportunity mode."
The most effective leaders help shift their own and their teams' mindset from threat to opportunity. Instead of focusing on avoiding problems, they guide their teams toward defining and pursuing positive outcomes. By transforming “I don’t want” into “I do want”, leaders unlock energy, motivation, and creativity.
Why a Positive Outcome Matters
As we've seen, focusing on what we don’t want keeps us reactive. It narrows our thinking and often leads to short-term, defensive decision-making. On the other hand, when we define what we do want, we create a vision to work toward. This vision energizes teams, fosters innovation, and provides clear direction for action.
Consider a manager frustrated with a team member who dominates meetings with long rants and frequent interruptions. To stop that behavior, the manger might impose rigid speaking rules or cut the person off—increasing tension without solving the root issue.
But if they instead ask, “What kind of team dynamic do I want?” they might realize they’re aiming for a culture of balanced participation, where all voices are heard. That positive vision opens the door to productive solutions, like setting guidelines for inclusive discussions.
And by including the team members in the search for a solution, this manager empowers the team to take on more responsibility. The offending interruptor may end up grateful for the self-awareness they gain, and may feel motivated to contribute to meetings that include all voices more equitably.
How to Shift from Negative to Positive Framing
Recognize the Negative Frame – Pay attention when you or your team focus on avoiding problems rather than achieving positive outcomes.
Ask, “What Do You Want Instead?” – If someone says, “I don’t want my boss micromanaging me,” reframe it as, “What kind of support would help you thrive?”
Make the Outcome Clear and Specific – A vague goal like “I want a better team culture” isn’t actionable. Instead, define what that looks like: “I want a team where people feel safe to share ideas and respectfully challenge each other.”
Connect It to a Larger Purpose – People are more motivated when they see the bigger picture. Instead of saying, “I don’t want low engagement,” frame it as, “I want a workplace where people feel valued and excited about their contributions.”
The Business Impact of a Positive Focus
When leaders shift from fixing problems to pursuing positive outcomes, they create:
Higher Engagement – People are naturally more driven by a compelling vision than by fear of failure.
Stronger Innovation – A positive frame encourages creative solutions rather than defensive reactions.
Better Collaboration – Teams align around shared goals instead of just avoiding conflict.
More Sustainable Change – Clear, positive outcomes provide long-term motivation beyond just solving immediate issues.
The Takeaway
Problems are inevitable, but focusing on them exclusively can keep us stuck. By reframing challenges into energizing outcomes, leaders inspire action, creativity, and meaningful progress. The next time you or your team gets caught in what’s wrong, shift the conversation to what’s possible—and watch the transformation unfold.
How have you used positive reframing in your leadership? Share your experiences in the comments below.
If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk.
