How to Help Someone Change — Without Getting Sucked Into the Drama
If you're running a team, maintaining your composure is your single most important skill. The slowest heart rate in the room runs the room. I help leaders manage their triggers so they run their teams more effectively.
When we’re trying to help someone change — whether as a coach, a manager, a mentor, or a caring friend — it's easy to get pulled off course.
The conversation might start well, centered around a clear goal. But before we know it, other issues surface: old grievances, side complaints, resistance, excuses, emotions, or even our own need to be right or feel helpful.
Suddenly, we're deep in a discussion about something else — and the real opportunity for growth slips away.
Why do we get distracted?
Because we're human. Because we want to fix every problem. Because we react emotionally.
But most importantly: because we mistake what’s urgent for what’s important.
Urgent issues — the noise, the emotions, the blame — demand our immediate attention. Important issues — the person’s core commitment and their ownership of the change — are quieter and easier to lose sight of.
When we chase distractions, we do three things without meaning to:
We rob the other person of clarity.
We reinforce their feeling that change is overwhelming or impossible.
We burn energy on battles that don't actually move them forward.
What distractions can look like — and how to respond
Here are four common derailers — and how to skillfully guide the conversation back to what matters:
Blame
“I would be doing fine if my boss wasn’t such a micromanager.”
👉 “Sounds like your boss’s style really gets in the way for you — and that’s frustrating. That said, I’m hearing that you still want to be effective despite that. So let’s focus on what’s in your control: What would progress look like for you, even with those constraints?”Hopelessness
“This process is pointless — nothing ever changes around here anyway.”
👉 “That makes sense — if you’ve seen things stay the same for a long time, it’s hard to believe change is possible. And at the same time, I know there’s something you do want to shift. What’s one change that would be worth working toward, even in a tough system like this?”Past grievances
“What about last year when you said I wasn’t ready for this role?”
👉 “I get why that’s still on your mind — that was a hard moment. If it’s helpful, we can revisit it later. But for now, can we stay focused on what you want to build going forward? What would success in this role look like now?”Excuses
“I just don't have time to work on this right now.”
👉 “You’ve got a lot on your plate — no question. So let’s keep it simple: What’s one small step you could take, even in the middle of everything else?”
Each of these responses does three things:
It validates the emotion without indulging it.
It protects the person’s agency.
It returns the spotlight to their goal and next step.
How to stay focused on what matters
Helping someone change is about keeping the conversation anchored in their positive vision and their next move — even when distractions try to pull you away.
Here are three reminders to stay grounded:
Keep returning to the energizing goal.
Gently redirect to: “What’s the outcome you want?”
This keeps the conversation pointed at possibility, not problems.Separate facts from feelings.
Validate without derailing. For example: “That sounds frustrating — and it makes sense. Let’s make sure we stay focused on the change you want to make.”Notice your own reactions.
When you feel the urge to argue, correct, or rescue — pause. Take a breath. Remind yourself: “I’m here to help them grow, not to win an argument.”
The Bottom Line
Distractions are part of the process — expect them. But your job when helping someone change is not to solve every problem they raise.
It's to hold steady to what matters most: their ownership, their goal, and their ability to take the next small step forward.
By staying focused, you give people the greatest gift you can: the experience of their own power to change.
Ready to become a "bring out the best in others" ninja? I've got a program for that! Grab a discovery call at howiejacobson.com.
